From Chaos to Confidence: Finding Your Power in the Mess

Rachelle Oblack
Oct 24
3 min read

If confidence came after you had your sh*t together, no one would ever have any. Most of the confident people you see are just making peace with their mess faster than you are. The rest are bluffing, and doing it badly.

Confidence isn’t a reward for having life under control. It’s what happens when you stop apologizing for the fact that it isn’t.

You Don’t Need to Feel Ready. You Need to Move Anyway

A woman writing in a reflection journal — What’s one thing you’ve been waiting to feel “ready” for, and what would happen if you just did it anyway?

The biggest lie about confidence is that it’s a feeling. It’s not. It’s a pattern. A learned response that grows every time you act before you’re ready and survive it.

A 2021 study in Personality and Social Psychology Review found that people who repeatedly engage in “self-affirming actions” (small, intentional behaviors that align with personal values) show measurable increases in confidence and self-trust over time. In plain English: you build belief by doing, not waiting.

Here’s how to start small:

Pick one thing you keep delaying. Do it messy. Don’t wait for the “right time.”
Notice what didn’t kill you. The aftermath of action is rarely as dramatic as your brain promises.
Repeat that proof. The more evidence you collect that you can survive imperfection, the quieter your fear gets.

It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. Confidence doesn’t come from self-help quotes, it comes from reps.

Reflection question: What’s one thing you’ve been waiting to feel “ready” for, and what would happen if you just did it anyway?

Stop Confusing Confidence with Control

Confidence isn’t control. It’s capacity. It’s the ability to stay grounded even when things fall apart.

Our culture sells control because it’s neater to market. But control is brittle. It breaks under pressure. Real confidence flexes.

Psychologists at Harvard (Harvard Health Publishing, 2023) found that self-compassion directly predicts emotional resilience and better decision-making under stress. Translation: being kind to yourself when things go wrong actually makes you stronger.

Being kind to yourself when things go wrong actually makes you stronger.

If you want more confidence, stop tightening your grip. Loosen it. Practice self-compassion like it’s a muscle.

Try this in real life:

When you screw up, narrate it like a friend would. “That sucked, but you’re figuring it out.”
Stop apologizing for existing in process. Nobody trusts a person who pretends to be perfect.
Change your definition of winning. Winning might just mean you didn’t quit.

Confidence without self-compassion is arrogance. Confidence with self-compassion? That’s maturity.

Reflection question: Where in your life are you trying to “control” your way into confidence instead of allowing imperfection to teach you?

Build Evidence, Not Ego

Ego says, “I already know who I am.”

Confidence says, “I’m learning, and I can handle it.”

The difference between the two is humility. It is the most underrated confidence builder on earth. Ego performs; confidence adapts.

If you want to actually feel confident, build a record of follow-through you can point to. Write down the things you’ve handled that younger you wouldn’t have believed possible. Look at the emotional receipts you’ve earned: the breakups survived, the job losses endured, the mornings you got up when you didn’t want to.

Confidence is cumulative. It stacks every time you get through something you thought you couldn’t.

Pro tip: Start keeping a Second Act Wins List. Every week, jot down three things you did that took courage, patience, or restraint. They don’t have to be big, just true. By the end of a month, you’ll have hard proof that you’re already more capable than your doubt claims.

Confidence Looks Different Now

In your 20s, confidence was loud. In your 40s, 50s, or beyond, it’s quiet, and often a little smug. It’s ordering what you want without asking if anyone else wants to share. It’s walking away from people who drain you without needing them to understand why. It’s not a roar. It’s a steady hum that says, “I know who I am.”

The irony? That kind of confidence usually arrives right around the time you stop chasing it.

This week, don’t fix your chaos. Just notice how much of it you’ve already mastered. Because confidence isn’t waiting for calm—it’s built inside the storm.

Summary

Confidence isn’t about pretending you’re fearless. It’s about trusting that fear doesn’t get the final vote. You’ve already lived through things that would’ve flattened someone else. You don’t need a new version of yourself—you just need to start believing the old one was already doing the work.

Confidence is built in motion, not perfection. And you’re already moving.